


Soliloquy of the Heart

by BugontheRug



Category: The Penumbra Podcast
Genre: Angst, Discussion of feelings, Feels, Multi
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-31
Updated: 2019-05-31
Packaged: 2020-04-05 03:20:26
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 724
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19040110
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BugontheRug/pseuds/BugontheRug
Summary: After the encounter with Rilla and Lord Arum at Fort Terminus, Sir Damien tries to work out his feelings.





	Soliloquy of the Heart

My Rilla, my love. Did you ever even love me? I thought you did. I believed you did. You agreed to marry me and my heart soared and I was so happy. So happy to know you loved me too. Loved me too. A consolation, an addendum to a thought. Loved me...too. Oh, how I could see the love in your eyes, my dear Rilla, heard it so sweetly in your voice, but for him, not me. You never set a date, never mentioned a start of our lives together and oh I how tried, my love. I would’ve married you that first yes you gave me, and yet we’ve stayed engaged. Some limbo I’ve been adrift in, cast this way and that by my doubts and it seems, my sweet, that for all your consoling, my doubts weren’t anything to wave away.

Weeks you spent with him. Getting lost in his violet eyes. I can’t begrudge you that, my dear Rilla, for those eyes are so easy to get lost in, so easy to forget what is right and wrong when he looks at you. It was so easy to forget everything when we dueled, when he looked at me with those violet eyes. I wanted nothing more than for that fight to never end, for him to never stop looking at me. And it only took two encounters for him to steal my heart. Oh I must speak my heart, dear Rilla, for that was a lie. It only took one. I can’t imagine how my heart would’ve taken weeks being under his gaze. And while those duels sparked something within me so explosive as to shake my very foundation, it was nothing to him. 

For he looked at you, my Rilla, so tenderly. And I understand that too, for you’ve taken my breath away since the day we met. I am not surprised that I could be so easily forgotten when you shine so brightly that no one would dare look away. I am but a single sand in his hourglass, slipping through his life with minuscule effect on him. How I recalled each detail of our duels as I lay in bed. It shames me to say, my love, how much I thought of each moment we were close enough to share our breaths. My heart quickened for him as I thought of his violet eyes on mine, chests pressed together, holding each other at bay. And the giddiness I felt for our last duel, oh my Rilla, what a treasonous heart I have. The night you were taken I was waiting with anticipation for my next encounter with Lord Arum. And when he didn’t show, disappointment flooded me. And now to know he abandoned me for you? Again, I can hold nothing against him for you are, were, the light of my life and how could anyone choose me over you?

And what a fool I was. Searching for you in despair, knowing I betrayed you and the citadel with my fickle heart. So foolish of me to believe that I would save you and kill him, for you needed no saving and I could not kill him. For my heart ached when I was told of his death, how my despair grew. I must speak my heart, sweet love, for I did not search for you first. I had to know if he was gone, I could not bear it if he was gone. And I found him and my heart rejoiced. For he was looking at me with his violet eyes and everything fell away.

And then you appeared my love, and you defended him and you said ‘something happened’ and you looked at each other with such tenderness and I could not begrudge you two. For you did not want to marry me and he did not look at me the way he did you and I couldn’t get in your way. What right did I have? I had no sway on your heart or his while both of you had hooks in mine tearing it apart. I knew I didn’t deserve you when you said yes and he is so clever, so smart, and I, a lowly knight, couldn’t match that the way you could. Who am I to stand in my loves’ way?


End file.
